How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
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