What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
"Bone to be wild."
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
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