Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
"Dying to have fun."
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
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