Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
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