My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
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