My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
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