I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
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