Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
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