My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
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