I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
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