There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
All farts...are laughing gas.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
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