I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
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