Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
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