A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
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