What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
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