A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
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