Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
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