I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
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