What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
"Dying to have fun."
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.