I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.