If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.