Don’t worry, beer happy.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
All punts are highly intended
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
More candles means a bigger wish!
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.