What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
You have goat to be kidding me.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)