What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
You are aged to perfection.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Poor white splash.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.