What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
The calm before the score
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!