I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
"You are so bottlefull to me."
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!