What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Up to snow good.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
I think therefore I yam.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!