What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
You feta have a gouda birthday.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Trowel and error.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
It’s worth a shot.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.