Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.