What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
