Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
You’re my #1 pick.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
Snow thank you.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.