Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.