What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I've been thinking of U periodically.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”