When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
In the eyes of the lawn.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!