I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
He’s an elf-made man.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.