The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Let me plant one on ya!
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
It was mitten in the stars.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.