How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
"You bake me crazy."
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."