What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
You octopi my thoughts.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.