Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
That crazy little sun of a beach.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Long time no sea.