My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Who’s your paddy?
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!