What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.