Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.