Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
All clover the world.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!