Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Trowel and error.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.