What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
He’s an elf-made man.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.