What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?