My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
I beg your garden?
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
The huddle is real
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I like your tight end