What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.