What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
"Alcohol you later."
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Herb your enthusiasm.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”