I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
Books are my kind of texts.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
I love when you coddle me.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Snow on and snow forth.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!