Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.