I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.