Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head